It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
