it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
