oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
