I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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