I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Randomize
