A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
