I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
