so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
