I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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