i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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