My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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