Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
