If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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