two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
