Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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