My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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