I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize