Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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