census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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