Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
