Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
