'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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