Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
i drank out of a bidet.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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