i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
