I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
