I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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