mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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