Sponge bath it is.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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