I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
