I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
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