I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
