I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
