As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
