Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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