the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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