Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
