sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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