3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
