So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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