He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
