ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
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