Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
