I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
