I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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