I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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