Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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