my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
