Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
