She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
