I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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