Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
