Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
