I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
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