Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
