gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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