one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Randomize
