Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
