You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
my poor anus
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
