if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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