I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
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