I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
