She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
